I tend to lose myself in relationships. This year it was driven home again. I start a relationship get convinced it’s serious and in this case start ignoring all the signs that I don’t really like much about the guy. In retrospect I’m so ashamed of many of his world-views and of his behavior that even after nearly 3 months into the breakup I beat myself up several times a day for having spent my summer with him. Memories keep popping in my head of ridiculous or outrageous things he did and I cringe inside and get flooded with self-reproach.
I do admit it could have gotten way worth than it did, I know that from past experiences.
Thing is I get attached to this connection, that bond between myself and the other person and growing up in a very dysfunctional household I don’t really have an internal indicator of how bad things are.. I’m used to pain and sorrow in relationships. So if there’s even a tiny chance to enjoy having a heart to heart connection I let myself go to places in a relationship that are highly unhealthy for me.
This time I realized that I needed to get out but that I needed to detach myself slowly (like fading out a song) in order not to upset my inner emotional landscape too much. I did that until one day he ended up humiliating me in public for more than 6 hours when I couldn’t get away.. and that day I just prayed to myself that I would remember that and stay away from him for good!
And I do remember and I’m staying away .. and am thanking god/the powers that be/divine consciousness whatever you wanna call it from the depth of my heart that it is over!
I’m kind of losing hope that I’ll ever be able to have a balanced, healthy romantic relationship but at least I got the strength to get out of an unhealthy mostly unloving relationship and didn’t stay in there thinking I didn’t deserve better or wouldn’t find better.
Luckily I had a breakthrough last year when I realized I’m absolutely fine as a single, there is nothing wrong about being single. I’m a whole person and don’t think anymore that I NEED another person in my to make me feel whole.
November 26, 2012
November 26, 2012
- The last dream I remember vividly is from 3 days ago. Someone invited me to come visit Brazil with them. I kept wondering how I made it there and who paid for.. being a European with a very tight financial budget in real life .. even influenced me in my dream.
The landscape was stunning. I simply loved it there. The people I met on the street were all beautiful mixed colored most of seemed to have African roots.
I think the nightmare part was that I somehow knew that it was a dream and that there was no way in real life that I could go to Brazil and . since the trip was a very spontaneous one that I had nothing to do there really, we were stuck in an area that was either the countryside or the furthest poorest suburbs of a bigger city.
Maybe I was dealing in my dream with my deep longing to travel the world, to see different places, follow the sun and meet interesting people from different ethnic backgrounds and my lack in faith that it can happen to me even though I’m not there right now. Maybe it was also dealing with my feelings of worthlessness in real life that I’m not in the social crowd that I’d like to be. That I’m not nearly as free and independent as I wish I was.
I’ve never been to the Americas and I’d love to go one day, visit the US, the Caribbean and after this dream I’m even interested to go to Brazil, what I miss most is the warmth of the sun.
I wish I could go to India again and dwell in the colors and diversity of the country.
November 25, 2012
For the past decade I’ve immersed myself into the arts on the streets. For years I’ve walked around cities with my camera close by to capture those special moments when I’d stumble on a new precious work by some anonymous artist. Only to realize over time that these artists each have their own style, their own signature I only had to learn, keep my eyes and mind open and I would learn more and more. Some would use stencils, some paint at home and just glue their work to the wall. some just walk around and write short notes on the wall. Some take their spray cans and drive to abandoned factories, houses, hide in tunnels and work there.
Some want to make a political statement with their art and through their art. some just have a quirky outlook on live and want to share that with their friends.
Slowly but surely is street art or urban landscaping becoming an accepted part of THE ARTS.
Examples: as of now it’s possible to buy stamps with art from street-artists on it in France, books on graffiti are being published , T-Shirts printed, graffiti classes taught for anyone interested.
I love how street-art can make me happy for no other reason than being there. Someone courageous and driven enough to go out during the night and stick, draw, paint, spray their work on walls, doors, frames, electric poles – sharing parts of their souls with us the unknown visitor, spectator. Still so much to discover!
September 20, 2012
to be at the beach in the sun, close to palm trees .. with a warm sea/ocean to swim in
September 20, 2012
Well being on an airplane is kinda stressful for me.. so I usually end up sitting alone in the row. the last time there was a guy sitting next to me but one seat removed .. and all we talked about was me asking him if he was swedish because his features reminded me of a swedish friend of mine.. and i was right he was indeed swedish.. well and then i offered him my extra butter but he didn’t want it..
September 20, 2012
any kind of holiday that’s is happing on the water as opposed to in the water. being on the water makes me sick as a dog.. actually once shared a corner of a little boat with a little sea sick dog. we both were equally miserable as far as i could tell from his unhappy demeanor.
August 20, 2012
the most unusual thing that I remember instantly: happened while I was sitting in a local bus in south India. it was in the late afternoon, the bus was so crowded that (mostly young) men hung onto the bus from the outside.
so there I was sitting three seats behind the driver, close to the door by the window and a young man was outside that window giving me friendly smiles while we were driven towards our respective destinations.
a memorable journey for me.